Really?

It's kinda weird how sometimes...things all of the sudden happen at the same time. Like a huge wave is just taking your feet elsewhere. All my life I thought I was up to "Par" and now I realize that you are just sub-par. That's the way it was supposed to be. I really want to come clean with Him, but it's like saying your name over and over and over and over again. I just kinda turns to "Moo"sh. So how do you do it? I know I have to start fresh. It must start now! So show me how if you are willing to help. Show me what it takes to be 100% for Christ. I know Paul was a messed up guy with messed up beliefs. Regeneration! That's what it's about!

That word scares me sometimes. Well, just in that fact that if you ask, "Am I regenerated?" then....are you? It's like finding out if your parents aren't REALLY your parents. Or your sister is really just someone that was really close to your family. It's hard to feel alone! I DON'T LIKE IT! Christ said, "you are not alone for I am with you always." That's kinda hard to grasp. Of course we all know that He was talking about you heart/spirit (dichotomy?). That way that we always know that your mom loves your or you'll always breath...unless God takes that from you. It's a safety blanket. A withered, dirty, drool filled rag that we cling to. The world's funny like that. (wow i am really starting to sound like Rob Bell) For that I apologize.

To say that to say this. Pray for me. Not in the way saying that I won't pray for myself, but just that I need help and self assurance from Christ not from anyone on earth. Is that weird or too elitist-ish? Carla tells me I should work it out with Him before anything else! And I know that's true. It's just hard to get in the habit of.

in-Truth,
Matt